A personal journal.


My name is james, I'm just here to write. Things weigh on my chest and I just want a way to get them off.
Main About Guestbook 아카이브 Archive

entry added: 01.06.2021, 22:29

entry added: 12.30.2020, 20:22

entry added: 12.15.2020, 19:54

entry added: 12.12.2020, 02:20

entry added: 12.11.2020, 03:42

entry added: 12.10.2020, 03:47

entry added: 12.10.2020, 01:55

entry added: 12.09.2020, 01:25

. . .

004. Fulfillment Today?

I expected today to be a bit horrible waking up, but it actually went well. I was still undecided on if I should go to my doomed lecture or not, but I woke up and ecided to go on my phone. I fell asleep during it though, oops...

After I woke up again and ended class, I decided to finally start watching the anime Soul Eater, a lot of my friends like it and I've been seeing a lot of people talking about it lately so I'd been wanting to start it. Starting new stuff takes so much energy out of me usually, so I sort of have to be prodded into doing so or begged but today I actually found my own energy and decided to just crack it open. I'm liking it a lot so far.

Once I got tired of Soul Eater, I got to hang out with KL again. It was really fun, he showed me two new fights in Final Fantasy XIV and it was crazy fun.

I shockingly had a LOT of energy today.

After hanging out with KL, I still found myself with enough energy to do things so I finally picked up something I've been meaning to for years now - learning Japanese. I tried it once wayyy back when I first learned Korean, and I ended up sabotaging my own learning because of the two coexisting at once. Now that I'm no longer learning another language currently, I decided to try again with Japanese and it's incredibly easier.

That's one of my talents or, a fun fact about me I guess. I'm very talented at learning languages and I learn very fast and easily. I speak them very naturally as well, I used to think I should not let that talent go to waste and be a translator, but that's not what I want to do. Funny enough, I'm not even doing what really makes me happy now. I'm a dead-end, burned-out, too-stupid engineering major. Rather than do something that makes me happy, I went with the route of 'I'm good at it, so let's make money off it'. What a joke this pandemic has made out of me, I can't focus online and I don't have the self-discipline or mental health level to be able to manage classes at home.

There I go again starting my stress talk about college. There's my sign to end the entry. I hope you all had a good day today, too.

2020년 12월 10일

003. A lot of laughter following frustration.

Today started off a little void and frustrating, but it picked up quickly.

I played more of the new content in Final Fantasy XIV, I got to show my friend ZL and my friend NC. Most importantly, I got to show my best friend KL. I message KL every day of course, we talk all the time, but in the now 4 years I've known him, we've only ever called about as many times. I recall 3 before today, 4 now. It's so good to me on the phone with him, KL really makes me a type of happy and comfortable that I can't seem to find anywhere else.

It's refreshing to have his company.

I love KL, he really is my best friend. KL and RM both make me feel really special- RM is a part-time irl friend, mainly online friend. I miss hanging out with him, I want to see him before I go to colorado in a week now, but I doubt that- especially with new stay at home orders for us here.

Oh well! I'm not a high maintenance person, just a hello every once in a while through discord keeps me happy.


It's 1:20am as I'm writing this, and I really don't know if I should force myself to sleep because I'm supposed to have lecture tomorow or not... I should go, yeah, but my academic situation's a little fucked up right now. I don't really have a chance at passing after doing the math religiously for days on end, but still I try to hold onto a grain of hope that maybe I can do it. Ugh, I don't want to start thinking about it again haha. Let's end this entry here then. It was a good day. KL, if you're reading this, thank you.

2020년 12월 09일

002. Didn't sleep.

As predicted, I didn't sleep.

That's ok though. Instead of sitting here null, I ended up making myself talk to a dear friend and we played the new content in Final Fantasy XIV together. It was really fun, actually. TD [my friend] is always a joy to spend time with- she's finnish.

The new content was fun, I kind of went a little crazy since I haven't gotten to play new content in over a year since I took a long break at the end of 2019/beginning of 2020. It's so fun figuring out mechanics of fights completely blind. I also farmed some ingame currency with TD so we could buy these new cosmetic wings.

It really was nice.

I wasn't sure if I should sleep or nap or just stay up, since I'm not tired. I think now though that I want to stay up. Maybe I'll make some breakfast and watch a show I like. It's been a long time since I've been fully concious at 7am.

2020년 12월 08일

001. Long days, but That's Okay.

Let's try this.

Nothing really does it for me anymore in term of the way I talk. I feel very estranged from myself, so I figured making a site for me and only me would help. I quite think I'm taking a liking to it already.

It feels pretty natural, I used to journal here on another neocities site but I stopped because I simply forgot.

Today was very void. I felt like static, but it was ok. Final Fantasy XIV is on maintenance but I believe that's due to be finished in about 30 minutes or so. My roommate will probably be up for the next however-many-hours he can bare to stay up for. I hope that he has fun. Me, I'm pretty sure I'll just be sitting here staring at my screen trying to still even then figure out what to do with myself.

2020년 12월 08일